Thursday, November 24, 2011
Earlier in the morning, there was a flutter of panicked activity among the Indian diplomatic contingent when Dr. Singh did not arrive for a scheduled meeting with Indonesia’s external affairs minister, Mr. Weddaphuk Hazigorn. Sources tell us that, fearing the worst, Indian officials went to the hotel room where Dr. Singh was staying, and entered after repeated knocks on the door, only to find a note on Dr. Singh’s bed. The contents of the note have not yet been revealed, but it is widely speculated to have contained the suggestion “Let’s pretend this was a kidnapping, and blame the ISI”.
The exact details of how Dr. Singh reached the airport undetected are still unclear. Reliable sources say that he disguised himself in a burkha, but were unsure about where he got that idea from. Due to official protocol, he was not allowed to fly in Air India One, which is why he reached his destination without any delays. Instead he had to board a chartered Kingfisher flight. An aide who flew with Dr. Singh described the experience as “harrowing” because Kingfisher now turns on only one of the two engines on the plane as a cost-cutting measure.
There was a great deal of buzz around the Seven Hills Hospital when Dr. Singh arrived to greet the proud grandparents and parents of grandbaby B. A number of socialites and film personalities who were there visiting the family were stunned by Dr. Singh’s sudden appearance. “For a moment, I thought it was Khushwant Singh who had come to see the Bachchans, but I realized it wasn’t him when he didn’t make a move on me. It was the Prime Minister instead!” said a visibly excited Simi Garewal. The involuntarily poker-faced Parmeshwar Godrej had words of praise for Dr. Singh: “I have always been a great admirer of Dr. Singh. I wish I had aged so gracefully.” There was an awkward moment when actress Tanisha Mukherjee, who has never been known for her awareness of current affairs blurted out, “Who’s that old dude?”
The Bachhans themselves were overwhelmed by the Prime Minister’s visit. Amitabh Bacchan jokingly told this newspaper, “Aj mere paas ghar hai, gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai…aur aj mere paas Ma-nmohan Singh bhi hai.” Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan in an exclusive statement to this newspaper said that she was overwhelmed by the support from all quarters, and was honest enough to admit that the highest-ranking politician she expected was Amar Singh, and was flattered to have the Prime Minister grace her with his presence. The proud dad, Abhishek Bachchan said that he was overjoyed to become a father, and the icing on the cake was having the Prime Minister visit. “I felt like what I would have felt if I had another hit after Guru” he said.
The Opposition has used this as an opportunity to criticize Dr. Singh and the government. “It is utterly irresponsible of the Prime Minister to sacrifice nationally important work just to be in the media limelight” said Leader of the Opposition, Sushma Swaraj, and promised to stall the next session Parliament over this issue. LK Advani was despondent when he heard the news. He is said to have scheduled his rath yatra to travel through Mumbai so that he could visit the family when grandbaby B was born, but Aishwarya’s obstetrician’s error in calculation put paid to his plans. He has vowed to return for the birth of the next baby in the family. On hearing this, Abhishek snickered and said, “Well, best of luck with that! We don’t plan on having one for another three years.” BJP party president Nitin Gadkari summed up the situation saying, “The Prime Minister is interested in Aishwarya Rai giving birth to her baby, but this government has not been able to give birth to the Lokpal Bill.”
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Man, the heat in
After weeks of suspense, the Manmohan Singh government is left standing. That’s more than one can say of Manmohan Singh himself.
The verdict’s out, folks. The BJP-Left combine has lost and the government stands amidst flagrant accusations of horse-trading. Whoever said money can’t buy you love?
It was disgraceful. Money being waved around in parliament. I mean, where have the good old days gone when MPs stayed silent when they were bribed, huh?
Communist leader AB Bardhan had earlier leveled accusations of MPs being ‘bought’ for Rs. 25 crore. But the BJP MPs from Madhya Pradesh said they were offered about Rs. 8 crore. See, and I didn’t even know there was a discount sale on in the state!
They’re saying that this will finally be a stable government. Given the amount of horse-trading, that wouldn’t be a surprise.
Lots of opposition parties hit by their MPs voting against the party whip. Harihar Swain of the Biju Janata Dal was expelled for cross-voting. His party members were infuriated at his betrayal. No prizes for guessing what abuses were thrown at him!
But this shows you how low the level of debate in parliament has gotten. LK Advani blamed Sonia Gandhi and her evangelist brigade for the widespread cross-voting. I don’t think he quite gets it.
Dr. Manmohan Singh on a roll! Did you read his speech? Spitting fire at everybody. It almost sounded as though he’d end his oratory with Jo bole so nihaal!
In fact, the Sikh community has decided to hold anger management classes for their members. The first two enrollments? Manmohan and Harbhajan.
Choice words for Advani. See that’s when you know you’re old. When Manmohan Singh taunts you for reaching a ripe old age, that’s when you know you’re over the hill.
Manmohan Singh also saying that the Left expected him to behave as their bonded slave. And I thought that was solely Sonia Gandhi’s prerogative.
The Indian government was congratulated by the White House on winning the trust vote. The White House was quite surprised actually. You see they’ve dealt with
One major casualty of the trust vote fracas- Somnath Chatterjee. He’s been expelled from the CPI(M), after they said they had no place for a person like him. Of course there’s no place for a person like him. He actually takes the space of two MPs.
CPI(M) boss Prakash Karat wanted him to leave the chair of the speaker before the trust vote. But that’s unfair to poor old Somnathda. It’s hard for him to leave any chair, even if he wanted to.
The lone rhinoceros at the
But Raj Thackeray, quite expectedly, miffed. He says that if the
After much deliberation, they’re going to have the Cricket Champions trophy in
Quite surprisingly, it was the Indian cricket board which was instrumental in making sure the tournament stayed in
Indian Foreign secretary Shivshankar Menon met with his Pakistani counterpart Bashir Ahmad this week. During the meeting, Menon accused Pakistani intelligence of having masterminded the
What’s happening to this country? Bombs in Jaipur, bombs in
Terrorism and inflation now
Indian cricket worse than ever. An innings and 239 run-defeat to
An innings and 239-run defeat.
Ranbir Kapoor paid Rs. 7 crore for film. And I thought Bobby Darling was the highest paid cross-dresser in the industry.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
What about the UPA and the Left parting ways? If you thought it was a bad marriage, the divorce is even messier! Did you see Prakash Karat crying in the arms of Mayawati. And Mayawati, the gentleman that she is, did everything she could to console the poor thing.
But with Somnath Chatterjee now voicing his disapproval of the decision of the party high command, many say the CPM is embarrassed. When Prakash Karat was asked about whether this was, in fact, an embarrassment for the CPM, he said “Of course not; we’re already maxed out!”
Speaking of whom, did you hear Mayawati’s name now being thrown about for the post of Prime Minister? I don’t think India’s ready yet, though. I mean going from a male PM with such long hair, to a female PM with such short hair! I think we need a little more time to adjust to the change.
Her name actually floated by the chief of the TRS, K Chandrashekara Rao. Have you seen him? Maybe it’s just me, but he does look a lot like Mr. Bean!
But parties like his which have only 2 or 3 MPs in parliament are having a great time making the government dance to their tunes. In fact, the Left now feels a sense of déjà vu.
Now with the trust vote endgame coming around, the parties are struggling for each MP. In fact they say it might come down to a difference of a single MP in the end. Man, you know who you don’t want in a situation like this? The Mumbai Indians!
With each MP being precious now, horse-trading of course is inevitable. Or in the case of Bihar, more like buffalo trading.
The economy too is really getting bad now. The only thing that seems worse in shape is the future of this government.
The government is all set to release inflation figures on Thursdays now, instead of Fridays like it has been doing all along. See, that’s when you know the inflation problem is getting bad. When you have the inflation rate that’s supposed to be applicable on Friday, coming in on Thursday.
AB Bardhan says MPs are being ‘sold’ for Rs. 25 crore. Well, whaddya know! And I thought Dhoni was the Indian who commanded the highest price.
But don’t you feel Sonia Gandhi’s been surprisingly quiet over all the political developments in the country of late. But there’s a reason for that. Things are changing so fast on the political front that her translators don’t have enough time to convert her speeches into Hindi.
The limelight is now on Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh. He’s all over the news. In fact, he’s now become the most newsworthy Sikh since Harbhajan’s slapgate.
Did you see clips of this? Aw, it was disgraceful! The players of India’s and Pakistan’s ‘A’ hockey teams actually came to blows with each other. See, I’ve always said it. Harbhajan Singh should have been playing hockey instead!
Pakistani cricketer Mohammed Asif indicted for taking the performance-enhancing drug nandrolone during the IPL. Experts say, that in addition to increasing strength, the drug also increases the abuser’s libido. So that solves the mystery of Asif’s elbow injury.
But it’s getting bad for Asif. He’s been dropped from the Pakistani national squad on account of this revelation. You know who’s been chosen in his place? Shoaib Akhtar. Yeah, the Pakistani board says they won’t tolerate more than one junkie on their squad!
Remember a couple of years ago when Shoaib was suspended for banging Asif on the head with a cricket bat in the dressing room. It’s now come to light that they were actually squabbling over the last joint left in the locker room.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Happy Birthday to Left Leader Jyoti Basu, who celebrated his 95th birthday last week. Isn’t that incredible? He was actually born in 1913. That’s also incidentally the year in which the Left last updated their ideology.
So it’s finally happened, ladies and gentlemen, the left has left.
Did you see the pictures of the four Left leaders after they submitted a letter to the President’s office? Kind of reminded me of the promos of “Tashan”. Except that, of course, AB Bardhan looked more like a size 80.
Dr. Manmohan Singh now has to prove his strength on the floor of the house. I think that’s unfair. He’s, what, 80 years old; it’s hard for him to prove his strength anywhere.
Of course, it is an advantage that his main challenger is LK Advani.
Manmohan Singh had a meeting with the President on Friday to discuss the crisis. There was an awkward moment when he asked her “What’s your name again?”
But the meeting lasted for over 30 minutes. The President usually doesn’t meet people for that long. But this was a special situation you see. You know how Manmohan speaks right, under his breath and all, and her hearing isn’t as good as it used to be when she was 80. In fact, the first twenty minutes went by with her just trying to understand his pleasantries.
The Left withdrew support claiming a prominent personality like Manmohan Singh should think before making rash statements. See, again I think that’s unfair. Manmohan Singh hardly has a prominent personality.
But to be fair, they described Dr Manmohan Singh as the leader with the tallest personality at the G8 summit. Yeah, sure, the turban did help, but still.
Good news for the citizens of
Manmohan Singh and the Congress really desperate for allies in the countdown to the monsoon session of parliament. In fact, Gordon Brown was quite taken aback when at the G8 summit, Manmohan Singh asked him if he had any MPs to spare.
Yeah, Manmohan Singh was a little bit confused. In fact, inside sources reveal that he went to the G8 summit in the first place because he thought it represented a group of 8 MPs.
The Congress now looking high and low for allies. I don’t know about high, but they found Mulayam Singh Yadav when they were looking low.
Yeah, Samajwadi Party general secretary, Amar Singh really coming out strongly in support of Manmohan Singh. In fact, they’re saying that Manmohan may just be the next Amitabh Bacchan.
The countdown to the confidence vote getting really exciting. In fact, I’ve never been this near to the edge of my seat since the Indian Premier League finals.
But in this national crisis, you know I really feel sorry for? Harman Baweja. Not that it’s related to this. I just feel very sorry for him.
Poor guy, no? Son of a producer, well-toned, big banner release. I mean, who are you? Uday Chopra?
In fact they say he isn’t such a good actor either. I guess his name should have been Hammin’ Baweja.
Promos of Bachna Ae Haseenon are out. It stars Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, Minissha Lamba and Bipasha Basu. Yeah, it’s the first Bollywood flick since “Girlfriend” not to have a male in the lead.
In other news, Shiv Sena leader Madhukar Sarpotdar has been convicted for inciting violence in the 1992 riots, after 16 long years. Can you believe it? 16 years. But there’s an upside. The government is now optimistic on obtaining a conviction in the General Dwyer case.
I guess you heard that J&K Chief Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad has resigned his post. Turns out the “magic numbers” he claimed to have had, were magical after all. Yeah, they sort of did the disappearing act.
The situation in
Reports of racism against Russians in
International news. The
But then later Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed that the tests were not conducted. But of course, this was the same guy who said the holocaust didn’t happen either.
But this story is really a laugh. Apparently, the Iranians photoshopped the images in order to add to the number of missiles appearing in the photo. But you know who feels stupid at the end of all this? The Bush administration. If only they’d done the same thing searching for those weapons of mass destruction.
This week completed one year since the Lal Masjid incident in
But it is difficult to criticize the Indian President. Especially, since so few people know who she actually is.
Coming back to that comment about hanging Musharraf, I think they are a bit unfair. I mean he’s already hanging by his hands and legs now, they want to get the poor guy by his neck as well.
Kylie Minogue voted
And in case you didn’t notice, Kylie’s actually Australian. So the favourite British celebrity isn’t even British. To which Shilpa Shetty said, “So?”
But that just shows you what poor self-image these Brits have. In fact the last time they were so ashamed of themselves were when the Spice Girls were on top of their charts.
They’re auctioning off memorabilia belonging to the royal family in
One of the letters auctioned was written by Diana to the royal steward recounting the experience of when Prince William was very little. “Both of us parents spend most of our time gazing at the tiny person.” Or in the case of Prince Charles, listening to him.
Finally. Finally Rafael Nadal wins
Mahendra Singh Dhoni, opting out of the upcoming test series with
The BCCI has claimed there was no corruption in the recently concluded Indian Premier League. Yeah, they keep that sort of stuff just for one-day internationals.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Love Story 2050 releasing this week. It shows Mumbai as it will be in the year 2050. I believe its original title was “Six Feet Under”.
A special performance in the movie by
The rainfall in the city may have caused a lot of inconvenience, but officials say that the city’s water shortage problem has been solved thanks to it. That’s a relief. So now at least you won’t be thirsty for water when you’re drowning in it.
The BMC though had claimed that it was all ready to meet the heavy rain. It lived up to its promise of meeting with the rain, and like courteous hosts has made complete provisions for an extended stay.
The BMC prepared for the monsoons! Like that was gonna happen?! What next? The Nuclear issue gets resolved?!
The Nuclear Deal - it gets more amusing as it goes along. Now the Samajwadi party has jumped in the fray. Mulayam Singh Yadav now saying national interest is above politics. Now that’s what I call a free thinker!
The way the Congress and the Left have been bickering on the deal is crazy. It makes the Ambani brothers look cordial!
Did you see that bull run in Tamil Nadu on the occasion of Jallikattu? It made the folks down at
Dr. P Venugopal has finally retired from AIIMS, at the scheduled end of his tenure. Anbumani Ramadoss has claimed a moral victory.
And this story just tells you what’s wrong with our country. The Liberhan commission, set up in 1992, to probe the Babri Masjid demolition has asked for another extension for another 3 months to table its findings. Yeah, they haven’t got anything done in 16 years, but 3 months, that’s all they should need! Good luck with that!
Have you seen the promos of Bachna Ae Haseenon? Don’t you think Ranbir’s the prettiest of the four haseenas?
Two movies releasing over the weekend. Don’t the two couples just look adorable? You know, Harman and Priyanka, and Imran and Aamir.
This is great.
Prince Charles now drives a car that runs on wine, in an apparent bid to show his eco-friendliness. It’s his form of bioethanol fuel, they say. Yeah, booze in your car…What could go wrong there!!!
Most people were shocked when they heard that the prince was gonna use wine as fuel on his ride to work. “The Prince goes to work? Really?”
I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he ride the horse he’s married to instead? That’ll save some fuel!
The Pope is visiting
It’s true. Apparently, whenever there’s a big event in town, there’s a huge surge in demand for the flesh trade. But I guess they’re a little confused about exactly what kind of event it’s gonna be.
I believe the confusion stemmed from someone announcing the news in Latin, “Il Papa arrivederci”, which in English is, “Big Daddy’s coming to town!”
Tyson Gay now officially the world’s fastest man. He’s also officially the one with the most unfortunate name.
Talking about funny names, why would you name a superhero Hancock? I don’t even want to know what his superpower is.
Yeah, Will Smith plays the superhero Hancock. Apparently he’s the second-most powerful black guy after Barack Obama.
Speaking of whom, Barack Obama conveyed his condolences to the people of
the passing of Sam Maneckshaw. The only problem is the people of
Sam Maneckshaw was, of course, known as Sam Bahadur due to his association with the Gorkha regiment. In fact, the Gorkhaland Mukti Morcha has claimed they have their first martyr.
Good news ladies and gentlemen, Nelson Mandela off the American list of international terrorists. Which now means the
Did you hear that story? I couldn’t believe it. Nelson Mandela and the African National Congress were still technically considered terrorists by the
Even the current president of
Remember when Dean Jones called South African cricketer, Hashim Amla a terrorist? It’s all starting to make sense now!
Did you read that story about the guy who sold his “life” for two million pounds? Yeah, he sold his clothes, his house, his car, contacts of his friends and his job to the highest bidder on Ebay for two million pounds. But I think it was a fair deal. Cause the loser who ending up buying the deal really needed to get a life!
Scientists have come up with a new substance which when injected into your body can prevent brain damage after a head injury sustained after up to four hours later. I’ve got another way to prevent brain injury- “Don’t bang your head in the first place, moron!”
But really is there a point to this? If somebody uses this and then goes ahead and gets his head banged, is there a brain to injure at all? I mean how does that work.
Manchester United Korean star Park Ji-Sung claims he used to drink frog juice to help him grow tall. I don’t know about the growing, but he can sure leap high now.
And as you all know,
Sunday, June 29, 2008
There’s a bandh called in J&K today and there was a lot of violence and destruction. This came as a total shock to most Kashmiris who, as we all know, aren’t really used to those kind of things.
But is this what our nation’s come to? Gujjars sitting on the tracks, Sikhs rampaging in Mulund, violent protests in
Violent protests have become so widely spread, there’s talk of the Shiv Sena suing for copyright.
There’s also protest in
Apparently there’s gonna be a dress code for the new state. Everyone’s gotta wear khaki.
Left leader Somnath Chatterjee underwent a cataract surgery in
But all this talk of the Nuclear Deal is confusing. If you ask me, it should be renamed the Unclear Deal.
The UPA has announced that it’ll be meeting with the left again on the nuclear deal soon. So that puts them right on track to reach a consensus by the year 2050.
How do you know when policy is influenced by the Left? It ain’t right!
Rumour has it that the CPI now stands for “
The Left said that it was willing to negotiate on the deal. But since Chinese officials are so busy with the Olympics, it might take longer for them to get the go-ahead.
The Left is being extremely stubborn on the issue. In fact comparisons have been drawn with RGV’s belief that he can still make good films. It’s about time somebody told him the ‘Satya’ about his direction.
It’s 25 years since
But that was a moment of great pride for all of us. In fact, we haven’t been that proud till a team led by an Australian won the IPL.
Rahul Bose retires from rugby. So now it’s just acting that he’ll suck at.
Did you see his latest flick, Shaurya? No? Good for you!
Mumbai has a new skywalk to get you walking in the clouds. Or maybe just the puffs of smoke.
But the skywalk couldn’t come sooner. It’s the monsoons, and the roads beneath will soon be torrential rivers. In fact, it should have been called a bridge over troubled waters.
They’re now saying that wars follow a complex mathematical pattern. That can’t be right. Didn’t George Bush just wage two of them?
But if it’s true, I don’t think it’s so difficult. It’s something like “
Thank God we don’t have a moron as our national leader. Maybe he’s toothless, but he ain’t no moron.
Boy, aren’t you glad we have an economist prime minister when the world’s undergoing this inflation spree?! Has the blow been softened or what!
But you have to give it to the government for reining in inflation. Or is it reigning in inflation?
Inflation now into double figures. Robin Uthappa was heard asking, “Double figures? What’s that like?”
Did you see
Sania Mirza snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at
But before you criticize her, you must consider that Sania's one amongst very few sportswomen in India. Come to think of it, we don't have many playgirls either.
But before you criticize her, you must consider that Sania's one amongst very few sportswomen in India. Come to think of it, we don't have many playgirls either.